2005 MTV Video Music Awards
Thank God for Tivo. The only way I could possibly make it through this. About the worst piece of shit I have ever fast forwarded through in my life, no kidding.
Lowlights (there are many):
PiffySeanJohnDaddyCombs doing his Donald Trump/Gameshow host schtick. The Diddy as orchestra conductor leading us through his 1,253,873rd Biggie memorial tribute was almost as bad as his personal worst: a few years back when he and Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page exhumed and gravefucked one of the greatest rock songs ever, "Kashmir" live on SNL.
Eric Roberts (???) mumbling his way through a glory-filled introduction to everybody's favorite youth supporter, R Kelly. Ahh thank you sweet lord - the opportunity to see R portray ALL the parts from his long form video "Trapped in The Closet". Wow. Watching this sung story line of marital betrayal and surprise! - a gay cheating husband made me literally check to see if I had gone insane or not.
Eva Longoria walking out in a little one-piece number saying that "a little hurricane wasn't going to keep me from wearing my bathing suit.". Nice. Tasteful. Good timing.
Jessica and Ashlee "Reflux" Simpson giving an award and commenting on how they are from the South - where they learned to "shake their asses". Christ, lightning where are you when we need you?
Diddy's mantra for the night: "Anything Can Happen". Apparently this refers to an endless stream of talentless rappers and rapper-type people mugging for the camera, a fascinating "clownin'" vs. "crumpin" dance-off, and the stupendously unwelcome return of ... get ready for this-
...MC Hammer. Ok, now multiply the confused look on your face by everyone in that whole arena in Miami.
I loved Lil Jon (what MTV programming would be complete without him? He's so talented!!!) trying to get cozy and Paulina Rubio not having any of it. Rad.
The one song I wanted to hear live was MCR's "Helena", but it didn't sound so good, AND they had to do the whole "abridged rock song" thing. Yeah, R Kelly gets 10 minutes, and MCR gets 2.
The Highlights (there are few):
Jalba, always good. The Shakira performance: there is something seriously quantam-physics going on with her whole abdomen area. I mean, that is talent. I had to award her with a few TiVo instant replay button hits just to confirm what I was looking at.
The VMA's have never been about substance. At least though, there used to be a snakry sense of the absurd like, "check us out, we were the little video station that could, and now we are doing a big show, isn't this nuts?". There used to be a sense of giving awards for actual advancements in Music Video creation, not just popularity. Now it's so fake and putrid on such a supersonic level, it's almost completely impossible to enjoy on any level. Hey, you know you are in trouble anytime you hear the words ..."Please welcome Paris Hilton and Bow Wow".
Honestly, watching the little I did of this VMAs made me want to move.
To another planet.
Anything can happen.
Comments
"lightning where are you when the we need you?"
This created a number of startled looks from my co-workers when I projected an insane burst of uncontrollable laughter. I'm just really freakin bummed there was no Kanye West. Or was there? I regrettably missed this epic. :(
Posted by: Lyn | August 31, 2005 06:44 AM
Hey Steve and all.
I stopped watching MTV awards a long time ago. It always seems to be the same ole' same ole'. I think I had been flipping through the stations and had seen Alicia Keys up for an award, I like her, but kept moving on to another station. I don't know-MTV just kind of sucks now days. What happened to all the Headbangers?...hehe
Have a great one!
Posted by: Diane/FRI13th | August 31, 2005 06:59 AM
Well said Steve - good to here someone with the balls to be honest about the MTV bullshit, not to mention that overrated talentless jackass Puff Dildo.
Rock On!
Posted by: Scott Perry | August 31, 2005 07:00 AM
Here in the UK, since I don't have cable/satelite/whatever I'll probably have to stay up til 4am to see R'n'B centred highlights of it...
I don't think I'll bother.
Posted by: robin | August 31, 2005 08:01 AM
Shoot me, but I like the show -- it's mindless extravaganza. I need that sometimes...to just "veg." It's like watching a B-movie that is so bad it's good.
Posted by: Mike | August 31, 2005 08:23 AM
roflmfao!!! Steve...how exactly does one go about literally checking to see if they had gone insane or not???
I guess I could ask my co-workers...they would all say yes right about now, wondering what is it about these grievance reports I'm working on that is so funny! :D
Posted by: Cori | August 31, 2005 08:56 AM
Hey Steve, was waiting for your 2-cents on the "Yo! MTV Music Awards". My gawd, what a pile of excrement!
Also kinda funny since my fiancee thought we were watching the VMA's the whole time...what's the diff?? You mentioned that in the last paragraph too. ;)
Posted by: Craig | August 31, 2005 09:18 AM
Steve-I'm still laughing at the Puffy pic.....Great review of the show.
Posted by: Brett | August 31, 2005 09:31 AM
See steve... this is what happens when you leave MTV...
We all blame you... ok not really.
Posted by: WhitePony | August 31, 2005 09:34 AM
Steve, decades down the line when you're no longer doing music professionally, you should consider writing opinion pieces for the Arts section of a major newspaper.
It will be a nice change to see someone saying what the majority actually thinks.
Posted by: Six7Six7 | August 31, 2005 10:44 AM
fast forward to the 2007 MTV VMAs... The Panic Channel is up for an award or two.
You are...
a. Proud as can be. Any recognition is great.
b. too embarrassed to even show your face at the show to possibly accept the award.
c. A mixture of elation, fear, shyness, annoyance, and ennuie. maybe a bit of hunger, too. you haven't had lunch yet.
Posted by: mortisha8 | August 31, 2005 11:01 AM
I don't like Puff Daddy either. But... there was one redeeming aspect to the Puff Daddy + Jimmy Page 1998 SNL performance: the drummer.
That drummer was fucking awesome. I felt that he did John Bonham justice. The drums were completely live. (No pre-recording backing tracks.) And the guy just layed it down like a master.
His name is Mario Winans.
http://www.mariowinans.com
He's a songwriter/producer/singer in his own right. (Though I've never heard any of his work.)
The website used to have a clip of the "Come to me" SNL performance, but it's no longer up there. Oh well.
Anyway, I wanted to point out that even something negative (like Puff Daddy's bastardization of "Kashmir") can have a hidden positive underbelly. In this case, the superb drumming of Mario Winans.
Posted by: Joshua | August 31, 2005 01:35 PM
Haha Steve that was great.
Hope you're have a nice day.
Love,
AER
Posted by: Adriana | August 31, 2005 02:47 PM
*stands and applauds your review*
Posted by: Bonita | August 31, 2005 03:02 PM
What's going on? Its been a long damn time since I felt like I was writing the very words I was reading. You are so dead on! Rock on!
Posted by: Steve | August 31, 2005 03:49 PM
have a music eSession with others in the music industry
Talk about the future of industry networking!
Posted by: mortisha8 | August 31, 2005 04:12 PM
I was sitting here saying to myself, wait for it, wait for it. Ha Steve loved your review. Must agree I don’t care how much bling, bling Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, Did, Di, D, C, B, A, has the whole conductor shbit, was the lamest peace of shit I ever did see. Wait take it back it was slightly better than R Kelly shbit. I can’t believe I actually watched some of that… I seriously had two pinch myself several times to make sure I wasn’t having some warped foul dream. I waste plenty of time all the time but damn it I demand a full refund and then some for that. I’m thinking a class action suit or something. Having no power for 8 hours was way better than that…Wished I didn’t miss Shakira’s performance though I’ve been a fan for a long time but I’m sooo glad I missed the Simpson SISTERS, there is a God after all.
And I must admit I don’t think that Kelly Clarkson was half bad. And did anyone catch Mariah, her dress was too tight and didn’t quite sip up on the side. No bueno!
Posted by: wendybird | August 31, 2005 05:18 PM
http://media.putfile.com/mig30
Posted by: miggy | September 1, 2005 01:29 AM
Frigging Brilliant Steve! So Brilliant, I'm Speechless...
Posted by: Mike C. | September 1, 2005 04:18 AM
http://media.putfile.com/jd1
Posted by: yea | September 1, 2005 04:37 AM
Hillarious Steve...couldn't bring myself to watch it this year.
Posted by: Jonathan Lamas | September 1, 2005 08:01 AM
Great review Steve! I caught a couple of minutes of it flicking through the channels. I
had a tiny hope that maybe just maybe there'd be something of value on it, but as soon as I put it on I realised it was like every other award show MTV has these days. Same people, same posturing, made me want to blow up the tv, so I turned over instead.
What has happened to MY MTV?!!! Oo I don't want it anymore. :S
Posted by: ylais | September 2, 2005 04:29 AM
The mtv awards sucked!!! Again...i watched it for 5 min and i was sick...That P Diddy sucks...He thinks he is the best thing after Kraft Dinner!! And what's up with that R. Kelly thing? i didn't get it..
Posted by: Pointless Thoughts | September 5, 2005 01:38 PM